The Clean Up Song – Barney the Dinosaur.

Well I’m not sure what happened to Friday… It seemed that one minute we were enjoying a lunch out at The Whyte Harte in Bletchingley (Blooming lovely!!!) and the next I was making rash promises to Daddy Simon about dinner only being another ten minutes.THERE WAS NO ALCOHOL INVOLVED – the day just seemed to vanish. Or maybe I just had writer’s blog.

We seem to have got on to the whole ‘Dry January’ thing by default. We had a fantastic time seeing in the New Year with friends – the reigning Cards Against Humanity champions,Paul and Lisa Carlyle but came down with an assortment of maladies in the following days and just haven’t really felt like a drink since. However I have just checked my weather app and it’s looking 80% likely that a Malbec shaped cloud will be approaching the South East London area at about 7 o’clock this evening and will precipitate all over ‘Dry January’. Daddy Simon has noticed that there is a big hairy blank in the Saturday box of this week’s meal planner and has suggested a takeaway – I’ve reluctantly agreed as we’re running low on plastic tubs and could do with a fair sized delivery from the local Indian restaurant. He’s off to a board meeting in town this morning so it’s just me and the weans.(Scottish slang for kiddies – pronounced ‘waynes’)

The ironing mountain has been dealt with and crossed off the Kitchen Whiteboard (Yay!) but there are still a few bits up there to be tackled. My ‘to do’ pile is in dire need of ‘being done’ and since Alexandra and Calder are happily rifling through the the toy box in search of this week’s noisiest toy,I’d guess that I’ve probably got about ten minutes to play with. It’s strange how the loudest toys always sink to the very bottom of the toy box. Complete mystery.

The ‘To Do’ pile usually consists of but is not limited to –

Recipes that I’ve ripped out of magazines that I may or may not ever get round to making.

Subscription magazines that come in and never get read.

1.Classic Car – Lottery win dreams.2.Men’s Health – stop eating junk and exercise dreams.. 3.Attitude – because if anyone needs more attitude it’s me.

Money off coupons and competitions that I could definitely win – that have usually expired.

Assortment of paperwork that I have actually dealt with and just haven’t got round to filing away.

I make the bundle a bit neater and address the full on riot that’s kicked off over on the other side of the kitchen counter. Both culprits look pointedly at Paddington Bear but it’s clear to me that the poor little marmalade sandwich munching Peruvian has been subjected to a rather brutal custody battle. Paddington is whisked off to the ‘confiscation station’ and Bo-Bo and Boo-Boo escorted to their room for their morning nap.

This is the ideal time to get on with the tasks that toddlers tend to hinder. The kitchen floor is in dire need of a good clean – Cat seems to be sticking to the tiles as he sneaks in to take advantage of this quite time. His hopes are soon shattered as I fire up Henry Hoover. Henry Hoover smells quite bad – if he was a dog he’d be on a one way trip to the vets by now. Will have to empty his colostomy bag very soon. Bucket of hot soapy water and the scrubbing brush next. Dried-in Weetabix is probably one of the hardest known substances to man – I don’t know why the council don’t use it to fill in some of the potholes round here. Obviously the area that Jackson Pollock and his equally talented sister dine is the worst affected. I’ve tried having their high chairs on a mat but they see this as a sort of ‘nul points’ zone and enjoy the challenge of getting their food a little further afield.I’m giving serious consideration to feeding them in the bath and just hosing them down afterwards.

I get a bit carried away and am interrupted by the Sainsbury’s delivery man. He’s a pleasant little chap this morning and when he sees that there’s been a substantial leak from the bottle of fabric conditioner in the last box to be unpacked he volunteers to deduct everything in said box from the bill and let me salvage what I can. I offer up a silent prayer that the alcohol supplies are in there but then I remember we’re dry and I didn’t order any. Still we get about a tenner off the bill and the only thing that is beyond saving is one of the kitchen rolls.There’s a bit of a mess around the front door area but it just means that I’ll have to give the hall a quick clean and it does smell very fresh and sunshiny. So will the living room as I’ve put another couple of the damaged kitchen rolls on the radiator to dry out.

‘Clean Hall’ written up on Kitchen Whiteboard- and then ticked off- job done. Remainder of shopping is put away just as the first cries for attention are heard from the baby monitor. It’s a video monitor so we can see what’s going on and if urgent attention is needed. I can see Alexandra jumping up and down in her cot shouting across at a slumbering Calder but by the time I get upstairs he’s been rudely dragged out of dreamland and is sitting up looking rather dazed and confused. Alexandra gives me a “What took you so long look” and I gather that nap time is over.

We’ve still got an hour or so before lunch and I’ve still got a half a floor to wash.I try to encourage them to assist with the toy Henry Hoover that Santa Claus left but they’d rather electrically harass big smelly Henry and so I abandon chores and vow to resume when Daddy Simon comes in.

I read ‘Fluffy Bear’s Magic Handbag’ for the umpteenth time this morning and am served about three cups of imaginary tea, a plastic steak and a wooden wafer biscuit before I take the hint and do something about their lunch.”

“Chutzpah” – inviting friends over for lunch,accepting friends’ kind offer of making the lunch and bringing it with them, then keeping and freezing leftovers for us and kiddies to enjoy at a later date. Thanks for the delicious lasagne Auntie Jayne!

Fortunately both seem to enjoy it so much that spillages are kept to a minimum and they even manage most of a bowl of blueberries and yogurt before they notice that there is a blank canvas beneath them – so they’re swiftly removed – wiped down and chased back to toy corner.

Daddy Simon arrives home shortly afterwards and has his lunch which is distraction enough for me to finish off the floor. In hindsight this was a bit of a risky strategy as he’s not averse to a bit of crumb creation in a newly swept area.

Now I know that the kitchen floor won’t stay clean for long but at least we can go back to the ‘5 second rule’ for a bit without the fear of botulism.

Lastly for today – Huge Congratulations to Marcus and Megan Taylor Hodge on the birth of their son and of course to the wonderful Granny Adele Keegans. I’ll bet she’s like a dog with two tails right now. Wishing you all lots of love,luck and happiness. XXX

“it’s a disguise – the paparazzi are everywhere you know!”Cheeky Chops.

“But I’m huuuuungry!!!”